The Chicago Bears '09 Dream Draft

A rant of epic proportions. Please...use comments to bewilder me with agreement or bountiful dispute (remember the consequences of both).

I'll do this by first looking at each position on the Bears followed by possibilities and hopes of whom they should draft, when and why. Some positions look OK (I think theres one) so no drafting is needed. I'm going to obnoxiously capitalize every players name, just to be different

QB

KYLE ORTON is solid. I believe he'll develop into a top 15 QB this season. The team respects him as the starter so there is no reason to bring anyone in to compete with him for the #1 spot. Like all the great ones, he's tough (played on a sprained ankle, those suck), manages the game well, football-smart, and hits the sauce often enough to make Namath proud ('I jush wanth to kissh you righ noww, ugh lookh sho bootiful' he exclaimed with great relish to suzy kolbert). CALEB HANIE is a preseason hero who is more of a linebacker than QB, but should continue to make coaches uneasy. Brett Basanez is a smart kid who Ron Turner brought in because he liked his high school film...that makes me nervous...he does remind me of Jeff Garcia though, w/o the short shorts and lisp and playboy-wife coverup.

*In the Draft - I say no one, but theres about 44.3% of chicagonians that would like to see someone get picked. If anyone, try RUDY CARPENTER from Arizona St in the 7th round. He was a real gamer until a shitty senior season. A strong leader with decent size and a great arm.

RB

Go ahead and call me a dick, but I called it. Back me up here Kevin. I was exubirantly horny when the Bears took MATT FORTE. He's fast, shifty and instinctive all while checking in at 6'2 222. He's a new breed. Note: Is there a rule against strong accents above vowels on the player's jersey in the NFL, b/c Forte should fight it. It's Sooooo great that he's not a shithead, which means hes due for an uncharacteristic fuckup within the next 4 years, everyone has em. KEVIN JONES rebound potential has caused me to watch lots and lots of his old detroit lions highlights, hot stuff. He could contend with Thomas Jones for the most unneccessarily big biceps in the league. He was obviously still hurt or sucked incredibly last year b/c he barely played. He says hes 100%, so let em run. ADRIAN PETERSON, I have no i-i-i-i-dea i-i-i-iff he a hea is still on the team (straight to hell for me)if so he's a special teams stud, same for GARRETT WOLFE, keepers. Were set there.

*Don't draft anyone here unless its a freak thats hanging around in the middle rounds. JASON MCKIE, our FB, is solid, but we cuold get better. After he got hurt, JASON DAVIS, who is awful was signed and for some reason remains on the roster. Ron Turner is not an NFL coach (he's signed a QB he recruited but couldn't get, and a productive-in-college-awful-pros RB/FB he coached at UI...a true dick)

WR

Here's the biggest problem. DEVIN HESTER is our #1, when he lacks total confidence in himself being a reciever. This does not look good for me and my home and pro-bowl jersey of this bastard. The rarest of the rare kind of ability but no swagger to back it up. The prolem inlies in the brain cavity of this sweet lil boy. Its empty, I wish he was a tool that talked shit, cause I think he would play better. He'll be better at the position this year and should worry less. I forsee a 1,000 total yds, 12 TD (a few on reverses/wildcat). Plus at least one punt return TD since he isn't burdened with KRs anymore. The Bears went through a total makeover, releasing everyone they had just signed, making our 3rd round pick and completely unplayed EARL BENNETT the spring starter. I really like him, reminds me of Booker, but since he didn't play at all, that can't be good. Lots of pressure on him. Other than that theres a few practice quad guys and RASHIED DAVIS, who I've always loved as a sure handed 3rd/4th WR. What i like as well is the use of TE GREG OLSON out wide too, really makes us versatile with a HUGE target out there

* Obviously we need 2 WRs to make an NFL-standard 5 on the roster. Why we havent signed a solid veteran to give Hester story-times and allow him recess for 20 mins a day is very confusing. There is a lot of bought-to-die talent out there. Marvin Harrisson, Tory Holt, Amani Toomer. Maybe after the draft...heres a few guys we could get. KENNY BRITT and HAKEEM NICKS are bigger recievers that can take pressure off of Hester and should be available for the Bears at pick No. 18. Some mid-round possibilities I like are UNCs BROOK FOSTER, BYUs AUSTIN COLLIE who could make solid #2 recievers or some later round picks such as Texas' QUAN COSBY, Rices JARRETT DILLARD who can work wonders in the slot, or watch out for PITTs DEREK KINDER who was a monster before a knee injury last year.

TE

Very solid at the position. DESMOND CLARK has always been dependable. GREG OLSEN can line up at WR or inside at TE and give defenses a lot of looks. Should become more of a goal line threat once he gets more experience. KELLEN DAVIS looks a lot like the super cereal Xerxes and is just as flamingly big. A great prospect to have on the roster.

OL

Note: Would love to commend the Bears on quickly making a 'trade' with the browns...they signed John St. Clair (who sucked mind you) and we signed they're younger, more experienced and possible KKK ringmaster/Deadliest Catch-star Kevin Shaffer.

http://www.chicagobears.com/news/NewsStory.asp?story_id=5684

That gives us a experienced starting RT and a complete 'Oh Please God let him be good' at the LT (2008 1st round pick Chris Williams). I think we'll be alright at the OT positions. Olin Kreutz is still our C and everyone loves/hates him. Guards Roberto Garza and Josh Beekman are solid as well as Dan Buenning and Frank Obih%$le (another recent signee), we shuold defintely bring in some more competition and talent for both G and T.

*I say spend a top-3 round pick on a T or G, maybe a G/T? PHIL LOADHOLT out of Oklahoma is literally a holt of load (6'8 340). Big dude. His teammate DUKE ROBINSON is also a talented massive body that should be around in round 2. Maybe later look at an athletic T like Nebraska's LYDON MERTHA. Beekman is our future starter at Kreutz after Fred Miller exacts his revenge from the broken-jaw-at-the-FBI-shooting-range-incident...I'm surprised that wasnt made into a weirder spectacle.

DL

I'm happy here with the talent, not the production. ADAWAYLE OGUNLEYE and ALEX BROWN are hard workers and great football players but are getting old and MARK ANDERSON doesnt seem to care anymore. In comes Rod Marinelli and watch out for a double digit sack season from one of them...seriously, he's that good of a coach. TOMMIE HARRIS and MARCUS HARRISON are the best talents at DT and ANTHONY ADAMS and DUSTY DVORACHECK are mean mother fuckers who will foot-stomp anybody who identifies themselves as a quarterback.

*Need to get some young talent at DE after some failed earlier draft picks. MICHAEL JOHNSON (Georgia Tech), LARRY ENGLISH (NIU) and PAUL KRUGER (Utah) are incredible talents who could possibly slip to round 2 where we should absolutely jump on them. Look out for USC-transfer JEFF SCHWEIGER who is a pass rush terror from San Jose St. If ROBERT AYERS from Tennessee falls to the Bears at no. 18, they should think long and hard (thats what she said?) at him.

LB

LANCE BRIGGS a football fuckin animal. Should have another pro bowl year. BRIAN URLACHER unfortunately has made clear a lot of rumors...he doesnt even try to get off blocks, its embarassing. He makes it look like he is but then slows down and lets the guy just hold him completely out of the play. No disruption. Still solid in pass coverage. But we need a future replacement..I never thought Id have to say that. HUNTER HILLENMEYER and JAMAR WILLIAMS are very close to being marginally decent players...need someone else out there.

*JASPER BRINKLEY from South Carolina and DARRY BECKWITH from LSU are solid MLBs who proved to hold their own in the SEC and should be available in rounds 4-5. At OLB, KALUKA MAIVA from USC (A backup, but hey, Matt Cassel) and fast-rising BRIAN TOAL from BC could contribute on special teams and become solid starters.

**Two interesting notes about forgotten draft-eligable players this year at OLD

1. Tre Blackmon - Auburn - Has like 7 kids or something and was the hardest hitting thing I've encountered since that 8-ball of smack from Reno '04. Sufficently dubbed 'the Little Ball of Hate' by his teammates. I really hope he gets drafted. I think hes only 6' 220, but oh dear can he play.

Watch(Please excuse the freak that narrates, you'll see)...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gm3QcPAqS1Q&feature=related

2. Willie Williams - Glenville St. - The infamous 'I got accepted into Miami (Fl.) even though I've had over 17+ arrests as a minor'. Also famously caused 3+ felonies in a florida hotel while on an official visit.

DB

Vasher, solid, stop getting hurt asshole. Tillman, extremely gifted albeit a lil slower than most WRs, just let him strip the ball every play. Manning is an INCREBILE KR and a sweet nickel back, I wish they'd put him in at FS though. Josh Bullocks is a good FA pick-up and has great speed and should become our starting FS. Kevin Payne is our man at SS and with an incredibly fitting name (sorry I had to be the 73rd guy to say that). At CB Corey Graham and Zach Bowman are future studs and have already flashed it. Craig Steltz is a sweet badass who is a solid chioce for a backup.

*Pick up anoher safety and corner to compete for roster sopts. I really really like CB MIKE MICKENS from Cincy who we could nab in the 4-5 round, extremely athletic who'd make a great cover 2 corner. FS DEREK PAGUES could play corner as well and is an absolute ballhawk, reminds me of Ed Reed and thats saying a lot, but for some reason will be available after round 3.

K/P

I love you Gould. You too Maynard, sorry for giving your child possible brain damage from lack of supervision...funny story, ask me if you want the whole thing.