2009 NFL MOCK DRAFT and such

Updated 3/24

Herrrrrr-o. As you all know I have a fever, and the only prescription is more NFL mock drafts...seriously. I have been crippilingly addicted to the draft for as long as I can remember. It has given me jobs within the football industry as well as cost me thousands of rand (south african currency) in internet usage. The draft has lead me to, in the past, alienating anyone whose ever loved me and even once I found myself in a Mexican gutter covered in vomit, clutching onto nothing but Pro Football Weekly’s NFL Draft guide and a personal list of GMs I wanted to give a good yelling to.

I've got plenty of time on my hands and plenty of thought on the upcoming draft (I even doodled a mock top 15 for 2011...my 3 o'clock fix)

I don't know how to make my own website so trying my hand at blogging is my best choice. In the past I've been very against blogging so please excuse my hypocrisy and my misspellings (I nailed hypocrisy). BE SURE to comment a bunch so that I may argue with you and call you names, I'll probably use racism. Just always remember, I'm smarter than you. If you correct my grammar, I will hunt you down and stone you.

I’ll be sure to try and update it a bunch before the draft for all those who celebrate this great day to the fullest. On that great day I’ll be there in spirit and drunkenness, but six hours ahead of the rest of you.

Quick note: I'm going to put youtube highlights of whoever I can find them for (Remember I'm scouting these freaks off these videos and memory so you can do the same). I’ll also compare each player to a current NFLer, remember its their ‘game’ that’s comparable not the actual talent. Both a couple of cute little features I haven't seen on any websites yet.

2009 NFL MOCK DRAFT

1. Detroit Lions - Matt Stafford, QB, Georgia

Most Comparable To: Jay Cutler

Detroit fucking sucks. The Detroit Lions, unfortunately, also fucking suck. Daunte Culpepper has schoolgirl-sized hands and gorges the Colonel’s special recipe morning, noon and night. Granted he still can play a little bit, he'll never bring many wins to the team. The defense was the worst I've ever seen in any sport (not even the 2009 Bulls can top them), BUT Stafford will be a good starting quarterback in the NFL. The Lions were rumored to have tried to trade for Jay Cutler, but hear this...Stafford IS Jay Cutler, just without diabetes. So give him all the sugar you want on draft day. He often throws the ball up for grabs, but when he does that ball is 50 yards downfield. Possesses an INCREDIBLE arm (bullet throws w/lightning quick release), durable and from the 'north shore' of Dallas, he's a play making winner with a big baby face. Problem is, 'play makers' at quarterback aren't too successful in the NFL (Vince Young = pondering suicide, Mike Vick = claiming bitches at Georgia State Prison) Good luck in Detroit Matthew, if you want a hint, just throw it really high and somehow Calvin ‘Jesus’ Johnson will come down with it. I've seen people say an OT pick for the Lions, but there is enough GREAT talent at T that they can get a good one at pick no. 20. I hate you Jim.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_K23nR5Rsk

2. St. Louis Rams - Jason Smith, OT, Baylor

Most comparable To: No Idea, He’s…different

Releasing Orlando Pace doesn't really leave much suspense to what the Rams plan on doing here. Smith is really good. Strong, long arms, quick and mean, which is the MOST important aspect of playing OL. Comes from a bad team so he won't mind much playing for a very bad team.

OL Highlights are hard to come by so here is the NHL's Jason Smith...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAWUOm_KeTc

3. KC Chiefs - Aaron Curry, LB, Wake Forest

Most Comparable To: Derrick Brooks

Hear me now, Matt Cassel somehow is a great quarterback. I didn't want to believe it during the season, but its true. Way to go Chiefs for figuring out a way to get him. He's athletic, smart and can fit it into tight spots (thats what she said). He also makes great decisions. In conclusion, Fuck you Bill Bilichick, how do you keep churning out these assholes. Aaron Curry is a well coached and disciplined speedy LB in a derrick brooks-type mold, but Curry broke that mold by growing a couple inches more and weighing 30 lbs heavier.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEwCf7huMgs

4. Seattle Seahawks – Knowshon Moreno – RB – Georgia

Most Comparable To: Clinton Portis

Here’s my two in the pink and one in the stink (That shit is gross, it just works in place of the word). An incredibly talented RB who apparently doesn’t have the ‘size’ needed to be an every-down back. That’s pure malarkey (?). He’s 5’10 217, with speed (I’ve seen people say ‘He doesn’t have Chris Johnson speed to warrant a high pick’…fuck you, that animal ran a 4.24, lay off the Knowshon). He has rare vision and patience, ESSENTIAL qualities needed to make the transition to the NFL. Burst through holes, pure athleticism and the will and desire to win (he blocks!). A solid pair of hands as well and the personality to bring some swagger back to the city that its been lacking ever since the final episode of Frasier. The signing of TJ Housmanzejz$ja makes Crabtree an unlikely choice because of their nice, big stable of WRs, but remember Crabtree is the best talent in the draft bar none. This pick probably won’t happen, but it should. Because remember, I’m smarter than these people.

I chose this pick A. Because I believe he’s a worthy player of the pick and B. I’ve been agreeing with Mel Kiper Jr. up until this pick, which has given me migranes and diarrhea because he is plain ol dumb and obnoxious (I also hate people who use the Jr. when their Father wasn’t famous or well known)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fG4TeNBJWds&feature=related

5. Cleveland Browns – Brian Orakpo – DE/LB – Texas

Most Comparable To: Will Smith

The Willie Mcginest experiment obviously got fucked up because he’s getting very comfortable as a presenter on the NFL Network. Orakpo is a FREAK, according to imdb.com is he just barely lost out to Abdul Hodge for the lead antagonist in the movie ‘Predator’. He’s very much like Vernon Gholston who was drafted very high by the Jets who hoped to use him as a hybrid 3-4 linebacker. The Jets didn’t look into Gholston’s history of being a pussy, I think Mangini might see the difference in the two, but he may be hesistant to make the same mistake with a different team. Orakpo craves contact and wants to hurt everyone. Let him Mangini, let him. A ‘clawing’ and fierce pass rusher who is athletic enough to drop back and hurt a receiver.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGUc3UL64f0

6.Cincinnati Bengals – Eugene Monroe – OT – Virginia

Most Comparable To: Ryan Clady

Really athletic, long arms, superb pass protector and a personal facebook friend of mine (Probably you too Will). I was thinking Crabtree, because once again he’s the best player, but I’ll explain his drop later, but the Bengals still have talent at QB and WR, but no one has time to get open because Carson Palmer is being bent over and served every other down. Monroe should step in like Clady did for the Broncos and start.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qna40zT5FVk

7. Oakland Raiders – Michael Crabtree, WR, Texas Tech

Most Comparable To: Andre Johnson

Boobytits (a statement of disgust). I hate that he fell this much…but due to his foot surgery and lack of a timed 40 people might be scared off. I doubt anyone will take too much stock into it, but shit happens. Hopefully a trade happens where someone moves up so Crabtree, again the best talent in the draft, doesn’t land in this hell hole of an organization. Al Davis creeps me out, this is not news to anyone who has seen him sitting in the owner’s box in a wheelchair with a towel over his legs, staring aimlessly at the virgin he bought for the post-game locker room sacrifice. Crabtree is a smooth athlete who’s as hungry as an Oprah to get to the endzone. Fucking clutch. Watch him vs. Texas. He has superb hands and understands coverages and recognizes where he can get open. Should be a superstar in the league. Has SUPERB size, speed, hands, body control, hand-eye coordination, route running and character to kick ass every Sunday. I'd do him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fm9gAYutAwg

8. Jacksonville Jaguars – Jeremy Maclin, WR, Missouri

Most Comparable To: Ted Ginn Jr.

A Devin Hester who can catch? (and speak audible English sentences) That’s scary, that’s Jeremy Maclin. I hate Missouri, but Maclins AOK in my book. Smooth speedster who runs routes well. Not a jitterbug like Hester, but the burst and speed are comparable, like Ginn. A receiver first, perrenial kick/punt returner second. Jaguars have drafted nothing but douches at WR, so hopefully this works out and Garrard pulls his head out of his ass and invests in braces. Ever wonder what people with gaps like his can do in the pool, ya know, when your friend squirts you with a perfect stream of water between his teeth. I think Garrard and Michael Strahan could put out California wildfires if they were ever contracted too with those gaps...but the experiment will probably never follow through b/c they probably can't swim. Maclin will score a couple times on special teams and a few times out wide as well. One this that may come back to haunt him is being part of a 5 WR set all the time, meaning a lot of single coverage, has hurt transitioning WRs in the past. I would take Percy Harvin over Maclin, but I'll get into that later.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4Z5eMtxcXI&NR=1

9. Green Bay Packers – BJ Raji, DT, Boston College

Most Comparable To: Vince Wilfork

A big ol fatty to plug in the middle of their new 3-4 system. It’s like giving a boulder the ability to move, albeight slowly, but efficiently and towards the QB. Will take up multiple blockers because of his penetrating stentgh. Has incredible 5-yard dash speed, I guess you could call that inertia of fat moving forward, more of a fall. Ability to fall down on lineman is reminiscent of MS great Steve Madden.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UQ2YGE9SLM

10.San Fransisco 49ers – Mark Sanchez, QB, USC

Most Comparable To: Matt Hasselback

Well-coached and smart decision maker. Has your everyday run of the mill NFL arm, but a personality and on-field moxie to make himself the face of an organization. Great touch, no cannon there, but good enough. Don’t start him right away but a year from now let him loose. He checks down his receivers when hes supposed to and can throw on the run. Could use a lil better pocket presence, but overall good awareness in finding the open man and getting the ball out of his hands quickly. Experience Questions? One year as a starter at USC = 3 on any other Pac-10 team, he’s been playing with and against all-americans his whole career during Spring practices. Needs to learn that No Means No (See rape accusation from freshman year).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_rib5nD5P0

11. Buffalo Bills – Michael Oher, OT, Ole Miss

Most Comparable To: Larry Allen

A strong, vicious tackle who looks like he’d be a funny fat guy to hang around, in a well-lit public place of course. Comes from a tough background. Has been an incredible talent since he started playing as a freshman. A lot of natural talent that can be harnessed into one havoc wreaking mean OT. If the team gets a legit threat at TE, this could be a dangerous team with Lynch, TO, and Lee Evans. Just hope Trent Edwards can run the TO show well (that’s a reference to the whole offense, because its all about him or nothing, its not funny anymore, its true).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjM8bL0X9P4

12. Denver Broncos – Rey Maualuga, MLB, USC

Most Comparable To: Ray Lewis

I love this man. I love the fact that he will soon be paid millions to do what he does best, his true passion…physically hurting human beings. He is an incredible run stuffer who has good not great speed and incredible instincts. Decent pass coverage, but that’s not what he’s paid to do. Should be the brute force on the defense while champ bailey covers the finesse aspect. Needs to control his temper off the field (punches a lot of drunk kids at USC parties). But please Lord do not let him get any nicer on the field. If you love football and Korn as much as me, this will be your favorite highlight as of yet…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owXgLCbw5YU

The football highlight that will make every man, boy and lesbian jealous....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyC_VSmi0D4

13. Washington Redskins – Andre Smith, OL, Alabama

Most Comparable To: I truly hate comparing offensive lineman so I'm just going to stop before I start feeding you a load of shit.

Need some OL help. If Smith turns out to be a shitty tackle, then he’ll make a great overpaid guard. He’s a true mauler and has been on all-american teams his whole career at Alabama. Someone always manages to fuck up their draft status through weird appearances (in his case a disappearance from the NFL combine) sucks that it was him. Redskins don’t give two shits about character concerns so this should be a no-brainer. Could turn out to be the steal of the draft if he just gets down to playing football. Had been projected as a possible #1 overall before Bama's bowl game where he managed to get himself suspended. He will be good, trust me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84-MwAbj7uw

14. New Orleans Saints – Louis Delmas – FS – Western Michigan

Most Comparable To: Bob Sanders

A great football player. Fills the hole FAST, good tackler. Good size for a safety (5’11 195), great speed and an absolute ballhawk in the defensive backfield. A great leader as well and brings intensity to the whole team. Shitty competition will hold him back some, but teams will notice the game tape and his ability to come in and contribute right away. New Orleans defense sucks so hopefully they take someone who can help them right away. Rey Maualuga would have helped, but hes gone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1u9r9rQxexM&feature=related

15. Houston Texans - Aaron Maybin, OLB/DE, Penn State

Most Comparable To: Dwight Freeney

Quick twitched, speedy defensive end who came out as a 3rd year sophomore. Should stick to DE, but whoever drafts him will try to turn him into a linebacker because he’s barely able to get to 250 lbs. Has all the physical and athletic ability, just needs to learn the position. Texans are a good fit to put him in the hybrid 3-4 OLB position. The Texans are slowly building something down in Houston and adding another terror on the edge to go with Mario Williams should really bolster an already adequate pass rush.

No highlights of him soooo here (watch the whole thing)……..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnzFRV1LwIo

16. San Diego Chargers- Eben Britton, OT, Arizona

Compared To: *See pick #13

I keep seeing talk about the Chargers drafting a RB. Hear my reasons to why this does not make sense. A. They have 2 RBs who make over $8,000,000 a year. Thats all. No more reasons. If you want to draft a RB and have $24,000,000 a year dedicated to one position, be my guest...to hell. The weird thing is, even after LTs restructured contract and the lil 5'6 fucker that makes every short, fat, nfl-draft blogger wish he worked hard for a day to do what he does (sorry, rambled a little there)...they still might draft a RB! They've asked The Knowshon to a private workout and probably will with Beanie Wells too. Anyways, Britton is an instant starter with smarts and experience. Had to handle athletic pass rushers in the PAC-10 and did so admirably. This pick is similar to the Texans last year when they took Duane Brown in the 1st round about 30 picks too early (according to Mel 'Im a complete assdouche' Kiper) but started all 16 games.

Highlights are really hard to come by for offensive lineman, so hear is a very important message from the cast of Saved By the Bell...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KO73-WlOHhM

17. New York Jets - Percy Harvin, WR, Florida

Comparable To: Reggie Bush

He's incredibly gifted. He's an incredible turd. A very unfriendly personality to go along with his fan-friendly scoring ability. The Jets will be much better on defense with Rex Ryan as coach. Who knows if they might end up trading for Jay Cutler, which will certainly be dumb for everyone (but the Jets) because they will become a dominant team. Scottenheimer Jr. (his first name isn't Marty, I just don't know it) provided great offense last year with Favre at the helms. I think if you have decently talented skill positions (check), a very solid offensive line (check), and a average quarterback, you can win in this league, granted the defense doesnt fuck up too much. I like Kellen Clemens a lot to win the QB battle, thought he was a first rounder back in the day, hes a hard worker, passionate and can make all the throws. Plus hes been able to learn behind Brett Favre (He probably also got a bunch of great bogus pain killer perscriptions from him too). NOTE: Saw Something about Mary the other day and forgot how awkward Favre's acting was in every scene. He should stick to wrangler jeans (I want anyone whose ever played a pick up football game where everyone was wearing new, crisp blue jeans to please e-mail me, so i can confirm that those commercials arent ridiculous and that its just me.)

NOTES: Harvin...absolute speedster who is similar to reggie bush, but a much better FOOTBALL player. He's patient, has a HUGE burst of speed, he's quite the slippery chocolate banana too (gay? yes). He can play RB, KR, PR, WR, Wildcat QB, anything. Solid hands, good awareness, just needs to stop taking steroids so that he doesnt get hurt as often (seriously, he might be on them). Anyways, they released Laverneus Coles (Bengals lose one playmaker, another falls in their lap w/in days...but its OK b/c he will probably (according to team rules) have to get arrested w/in 4 months.

Harvin...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34--XTjboDI

18. Chicago Bears - Hakeem Nicks, WR, North Carloina

Comparable To: Anquan Boldin

Here we go, the pick that makes me cringe and do hours of needless, unpaid research every year. The bears have had 3 free agent pickups so far. Frank Ag&lo!bie (sp?), an OK versatile offensive lineman much like John St. Clair who went to the Browns (By the way St. Clair was pretty bad last year), Josh Bullocks a FS with awesome athleticism and speed, probably will start, and last but not least a promising young safety who was out of football for the last two years...decision making is a bitch aint it. Theres a lot of talent in the 'I was a franchise player, but now I'm old and looking to put a few more nickels into the retirement fund before I break in half permanently' free agent pool.

With the pick I think they're going either OT or WR. I'd be happy either way, but I screwed them out of a OT in this mock draft. Nicks is polished and has great hands, runs great routes and has a lot of experience. Same problem with Boldin coming out of college though, timed 40 speed. I think this is a better pick the Derrius Heyward-Bay because A. His name would look awkward on the jersey and B. He drops a lot of balls and is more of a track star than football player, but hey, TO has terrible hands but he's doing just fine (besides for 20+ million people that would like to see him shipped to Java to piss off pygmys for the remainder of his days).

I like Kyle Orton, he's solid, and he loves to party. I don't think its worth it to take an over-sold bohemoth of a quarterback here (Josh Freeman). If Orton doesnt work out, the QB class next year will be 5x more solid (I'm still staring at Tebow films to see if he's actually a QB, or maybe I'm waiting to see him walk on water which apparently his past body was able to do)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWakmo3_m2s

19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Tyson Jackson, DE, LSU

Comparable To: Marcus Spears (LSU Brotha)

A beast of a man who I watched a lot of film on his sophomore year, kinda sucked after that, but still a great talent who can get whipped into shape. Can play DE or DT, which is helpful cause the Bucs could use both. He's big (6'5 285), can run well, and has a few pass rush moves plus he is terrifying looking. He reminds me of a nightmare I once had.

I'm not sure about all the things that have gone on in TB. They fire a proven and great coach, a face of a franchise, let their defensive coordinator leave to become his son's assistant in college, all the while promoting their defensive backs coach to head coach...basically saying eat shit gruden, eat all of it. But who knows

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5MeTrQ124Q

20. Detroit Lions - Malcolm Jenkins, CB, Ohio State

Comparable To: Mike McKenzie

Nothing makes me happier than an awful team getting two first round picks, I pray that it helps them (even when it is Detroit) and gives them two awesome players just like the Bears when they got Grossman and a DE who doesnt play football anymore (Oh wait, that was awful). Here they get a very good CB who should stick to playing CB...wasting time by switching him to FS will set him back a couple years and draw criticism when hes already good CB. Has the physique to step in and contribute right away. Not so much a ballhawk as just a solid cover-tackler guy. Should start. I hate you Detroit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiUORe2cvDM&feature=related

21. Philadelphia Eagles - Chris Wells, RB, Ohio St.

Comparable To: Fred Taylor

Yes, Brian Westbrook is still there, and yes he is still my favorite and most dependable fantasy player, but he's small and gets hurt every other game. Wells could be a sleeper pick to go in the Top 10 just because of his height-weight-speed thing going on, but don't be fooled, he's not a real gamer. I question his toughness and thats why I have him falling all the way down. He's like a Mike Alstott build, but hates contact, thats not a good sign, thats a pussy. That being said, he should still be drafted in Round 1 for his potential and he and westbrook can tear some new assholes for every NFC team on the ground while mcnabb-dejackson becomes a terror in the air. Or they could just trade McNabb to the bears for a couple of picks for next year, whatever, either way

22. Minnesota Vikings - Brian Cushing - LB - USC

Comparable To: The Boz

From New Jersey, he gave up his jager bombs and heines for straight HGH and Power Bars in LA...

http://media.photobucket.com/image/cushing%20taylor%20mays/andrewpauljones/cush.jpg

Looks like a contestent out of Schwarzenegger's movie 'Pumping Iron'...It is like coming into a woman, it is like comin all day, im at the gym, im coming, when im at home, im coming. Vikings could get one more piece to their already solid defense. Quarterback is still a huge question, but I think theyre going with the philosophy of 'Fuck it, just give it to Adrian' which I entirely agree with. Cushing is stiff and not a natural LB, played DE when needed too. Could switch to the middle or stick on the outside making a great pairing with Chad Greenway. A solid player but not as good as advertised. A physical beast though.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXJt9hrRbMg

23. New England Patriots - Connor Barwin, OLB/DE, Cinncinati

Comparable To: Jared Allen, but can play TE...dangerous

If the Patriots trade for Julius Peppers I will scream and cry and resort to taking my anger out on defenseless swans who occupy a park right near me. If not, they take Barwin. An extremely athletic talent. Played one year at DE after playing TE his first 3 seasons, so could hlep the Patriots a lot in their awesomely creative ways. Strong and physical while being the fastest stright line DE in the draft after running a 4.5. Should be a great OLB for the Pats. Probably will be the Defensive Rookie of the Year, what a bunch of enormous assholes.

24. Atlanta Falcons - Robert Ayers, DE, Tennessee

Comparable To: Shaun Ellis

Should be a defensive monster for them. Falcons need more on defense with all their stars leaving, especially at linebacker. Here they take the best talent available which is Ayers and he should start immediately. Physically could be the most NFL-ready DE and can absolutely demolish lineman with his power. Putting a Tennessee player in Atlanta means arrest warrants have already been issued.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAR9Qb3liRs

25. Miami Dolphins - Alphonso Smith, CB, Wake Forest

Comparable To: Nathan Vasher

Bill Parcells to the NFL Draft is like Heather to Deepthroating, it just comes naturally to them. Here he gets an instant contributor and a great talent with natural instincts and playing style/intensity they need out there. Only 5'9 but so are a lot of good corners. Dolphins will be a contender again. I thought about a WR like Heyward-Bay, but they already have a smiliar track speed WR (Ginn).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ED9C6JWaoPg

26. Baltimore Ravens - Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR, Maryland

Comparable To: Bernard Berrian

They get their hometown guy. A great pairing with Mark Clayton who is plenty talented. This gives Flacco more options and should let him gain on his stats and use that monstrous arm of his to get the ball downfield. Heyward-Bey runs a 4.3 and will be dropping a lot of balls, but the ones he catches...watch out. I see a more promising career for him than I do Maclin, I don't know why I just do...it must be the smartness kicking in.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyjaBWuo4zA